siblingness

into every meal a little silliness must fall...

little hole-punch confetti things

we are obsessive recyclers at our house. it's been this way for most of my life. nothing gets thrown away that could potentially be ground up and washed by somebody to be turned into a shower curtain or box of tissues. there have been times i've thrown little slips of paper away, and my father (who has the reclamation radar) will come roaring downstairs to fish it out of the trash. he usually follows these diggings by saying: "hey, this can be recycled!" he then proceeds to tell us how they are now able to turn things like plastic yogurt containers into roads or donald trump skyscrapers or playground equipment--you know, simple things like that. we even recycle those little confetti things that remain after you use the hole punch--let's just say, those are a challenge to get to the recycling center!

which brings me to the piece de resistance of our lives as recyclers. yesterday we were at my dad's work for the tailings of a Christmas party. right outside the shop there is a Christmas tree recycling center where you drop off your tree after the holidays (very appropriate for my father, don't you think?). someone had already wrapped up their christmasing, and recycled their tree. little did they imagine what recycling that tree *actually* meant. i'm sure they thought it would be put in the wood chipper to be ground into a zillion pieces and become the mulch under somebody's bush. we had other plans for it's recycling....it is now sitting in our entryway with presents underneath to welcome with holiday cheer. and it smells lovely. once a recycler, now a recyclee.

what happened?

i apologize for the blog becoming "walkin-in-a-winter-wonderland" world. some cosmic something or other happened today that made me lose my look. (she looks down and notices she's actually become a different person in the last 24 hours as a result of the cosmic something or other....where the heck did that third arm come from! ahhhhh!)

ok, all of that was very weird i confess....

support your local atheist

(i guess you're reading this. so i keep my word.)

i met some fresh souls last evening (do you mind being called souls, or does this compromise the whole atheist/agnostic paradigm?). old and new friends of a sort: former Christian school peers turned atheists/agnostics. first i must thank you with all the candor in my heart for the lovely time--i enjoy chat, and you were just the right kinds of "boys" with which to have a lovely chat. (you must know i call you "boys" with all the kindest intentions.)

first i must say i appreciate your abstaining from trying to "convert" me. as i said, i'm learning everyday of my LORD's love for me. it is stunning. it is consuming. it is breath taking. (you may call it my opiate if you'd like) you may also call me an idealist as well. that i wouldn't even begin to argue with: "pseudo-science" tells me that.

second, i did enjoy the camaraderie in knowing that others are as strangely obsessed with the whole "revelation-of-self-by-figuring-out-if-i'm-a-T-or-an-F" thing. it's always mind-altering when i meet others of strong personality. (i abhor self-ignorance) it's all part of the path. it all makes me appreciate them and me more. i am amazed daily. yes, another very "idealist" thing to do. (meanwhile she reality checks what she just said....so many dragons, so little time.)

finally (and oddly enough most refreshing), i was reminded of how much GOD doesn't make sense. how i can't possibly fathom what He has done, what He is doing, or why--and in this very singular thing i find the most JOY. i can't figure GOD out rationally. i can't say He is "orderly" (in an academic post-enlightenment sort of way). i can't count Him, or fashion a box big enough for Him to dwell in. i can't only talk of one experience in my own "meta-narrative." i can't give you a linear timeline of how i came to have faith in such a GOD as this (linear is over rated anyway in my opinion). this all may seem weak-minded and slow-witted, but these are the pressures in my soul that you inflicted last night for which i am most indebted. the small deaths that brought the phoenix from the ashes once again to "godfather" watching, christmas shopping, hanukkah celebrating, and a thousand other tiny magical moments.

(if you doubted the idealist before: doubt not.)

when nothing seems to be happening....

we were baking bread tonite and i ran across this article in the recent world magazine. i am stunned at how there are answers when there are no questions: just an ache in the soul.

well, i never...

i have, as of yet, avoided most contact with anyone from my high school graduating class since i graduated in 1993. it's not that i particularly dislike anyone that i graduated with, but frankly i saw no need to go back and relive any of the unpleasant moments of my high school career with people i have no connection to and no particular interest in (yes, this does make me sound terribly hateful and uncaring). high school is one of those times when you don't know who you are, and so you try to be so many different things that you end up confusing yourself and others. it is also a time when you aren't mature enough to know that these people's opinions of you don't matter, and will have no bearing on the rest of your life. tonite, for the first time in twelve years, i will be attending my high school's homecoming game (read cries of agony and a smidge of smugness). my sister is now in highschool, and so these things are *much* more important than they've been in the last twelve years. i am anticipating a smudged vision of 1992.

true tragedy

"the great TRAGEDY of life is not unanswered prayer, but unoffered
prayer."

f. b. meyer

solitary

we have had some interesting weather the last few days here, and so i haven't been able to stay at my house (little cabin in the icy-limb-fallen-no electricity-no water woods). this all during the final days of the semester. i must admit i'm a little selfish with my solitary time now that i am flying solo at home, and i haven't had a whole lot of this all important-mind calming-soul soothing alone time. i was looking forward to my final days in (i still haven't christened it with an official name) my happy barn, but the weather pushed me towards dear friends who were willing to house and help me for a few nights (for this i am eternally grateful). now i'm off to home where i will joy with family and friends, but without the quiet calm before the mild holiday storm. hopefully my umbrella will still work...

sans stairs

“the Old Man of the Earth stooped over the floor of the cave, raised a huge stone, and left it leaning. it disclosed a great hole that went plumb-down. ‘that is the way,’ he said. ‘but there are no stairs. you must throw yourself in. there is no other way.’”

george macdonald

“i shall be telling you all the time”

after a week that i decided i was mad at the LORD, and told Him so; after i told Him i wouldn’t be speaking to Him for a while because i was a little irritated; after i decided i would go ahead and read my Bible, but *still* not speak to Him; after all this, i decided to break the silence. sounds very unspiritual of me, but in the silence i was struck with how much the LORD loves me. it’s not about my love for Him at all! it’s not about what i can do to earn His love and favor. Christ already earned that for me. i am overwhelmed by the thought! He died so i can be saved. He died so i can carefreely live this life. He died so He can show His power and glory and great compassion through daily provision of needs and desires. so why do i think GOD won’t give me great things? when we talk of our expectations of the LORD we think too small. we don’t think of great expectations. we think of the possible not the impossible. GOD wants to give me abundantly above the possible! He wants to give me magic....yes, magic! when i’m praying i find myself asking for what is “best,” rather i should be asking for what is “unfathomable.” i’ve limited my view of what the LORD wants to do for me. it’s not that my expectations of GOD are too great. it’s that my view of GOD is too small. it’s not that i’ve gone too far. i haven’t gone far enough. GOD is not a bubble gum machine where if i put my 10 cent faith in i’ll get a blue one (even if i wanted a green one). GOD is willie wonka trying to create the perfect candy (because maybe i don’t want bubble gum!) after an exhilarating ride on a river of the finest chocolate. tailor made. handcrafted. commissioned. magic! this is what Christ was asking when He prayed: “Father take this cup from me....not my will, but your will be done.” He abandoned Himself in the unfathomable of His Father: in one act to save the entire world from the power of sin to lives brimming with the unfathomable. so i’m demanding the fulfillment of this promise. He wants me to. it makes the mundane, magical. meanwhile i find myself chewing on the sick-sweet blue bubble gum of small, man-minded contentment.

anti-faith

not how i feel.
not what i over think.
not what i’m worried about.
not waiting for something clearer.

what's been revealed.

fearful symetry

1. one of my male students walked into the girls bathroom while i was chatting with him, and neither he nor i noticed. i let him go in (without thinking) and a few moments later he came out with a shamed look on his face as if i had forced him into it. i was laughing so hard i fell to the floor.

2. a friend's new boyfriend told me he always thot i was a "joneser" (some of you know what i mean) until he met me. no one has ever told me that before. usually it's quite the opposite.....

3. i made up a poem for the empty spinach container in the dining common. this man i've never seen in my life smiled and told me he "just considered the source." what do you know about me that my friend's boyfriend doesn't?

4. my friend sarah and i decided we would wish those at the departmental Christmas party last nite "happy hanukkah" just to see the look on their faces....i don't think they bought it. what they didn't notice was the dreidel spinning and money exchanging later...

5. departmental Christmas parties are not very much fun unless someone says something wildly inappropriate. it gives you something to talk about later. unfortunately, there is nothing to talk about later...

6. yes, i have walked into the men's bathroom before, and when i noticed the strange looking water fountains on the walls i knew i was in the wrong place.

desperate

"give your entire attention to what GOD is doing right now, and don'’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. GOD will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

matthew 6

tomorrow et al

well, it went...

all of the PhD canidates are grandmothers.
they were quite nice.

i have much to think on.
i have much to do.
i have to get a 1000 on my GRE.

ug.

tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow

going to check out university of georgia tomorrow. i am abso-smurfin-lutely terrified! pray, pray, pray...

i think a lot of prayers will be answered tomorrow.

right now i have no desire to go forward with this whole thing...hopefully something will click.