radical quantification

funny how i shout "miracle!" from the tops of buildings, but when things get personal, and it's my turn to get one, i say no. this happened to me a few days ago. the LORD gave me a miracle (i almost said a *small* miracle, but i don't think they can be quantified by size), and i said "no". my mouth actually formed the negative. let's just say my view of sin has radically changed as of late, and the silent grief began. so yesterday the LORD gave me another miracle, and i was tempted to say "no", but instead i whispered a tiny "yes". i told Him i could walk, but i couldn't dance.

and then a miracle happened.
now i have to dance.

breakfast rule #1

don't eat cookies for breakfast. it will ruin your day.

trust me on this one.

(i pondered committing suicide with my stapler yesterday as a result of
the less than nutritious morning sustenance)

waterworld

i've just passed day 35 in my journey through the desert with the israelites. there is so much miracle-working in this desert walk, that it is fast becoming my favorite story in the Bible (at least until i read my next favorite story). as i've been touring about with joshua before he takes the last big march into the land of promise, i've been struck with the physical position of the trial. the isrealites are hemmed in on both sides by water. at one point they're begging to go back to egypt--did they forget the red sea? at another point they're begging to go forward (after realizing they missed their opportunity because of unbelief)--did they forget the jordan? there is no way out of their predicatment except by the miracle working hand of GOD. it would even take a miracle to backslide. so i'm in the midst of this checking over my shoulder at the leeks and onions of six months ago--seems awfully safe. and then, woa! oh yes, the red sea! totally forgot about that. i can't go back without a miracle. but then i look ahead to the milk and honey (or silk and honey for us lactose intolerant in the tribe), and hey that looks even better! and then i hear the rushing jordan in my ears. i can't go forward without a miracle. this all makes me think of a verse in psalm 119: "barricade the road that goes nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. i choose the true road to somewhere, i post your road signs at every curve and corner." the road to nowhere? doubt (egypt). the road to somewhere? faith (silk and honey land). the road signs? ebenezer (help stones). so which miracle am i picking? i'm going with the one that has yet to happen. the one in front of me.

on to day 36.

days

150 days of solitude.

echthros--from the greek, meaning “enemy”

i would like to propose a word that needs to be “echthrosed.” if you’ve ever read madeline l’engle’s book “a wind in the door” you’ll know what i’m talking about. if not, let me explain. the ecthroi are black hole-creatures. they make nothing out of something. they don’t kill things, they “x” them out so they never exist. they anti-create. they unname. that’s what i’d like to do with the word “coincidence.” give it the old madeline’s “x.” in the past i have been guilty of tossing this word about glibly, but no more. i believe in a GOD that has absolute control over everything. nothing happens unless He has done it, or allowed it. a few posts ago i mentioned the elijah homegoing in 2 kings 2. i’ve been pondering this passage this evening in light of some things that have happened lately, and the application is becoming clearer. elijah ask elisha what he wants before he rides off in a blinding chariot, and elisha tells him he wants a double portion of elijah’s life repeated in his. here’s the condition elijah establishes: “if you’re watching when i’m taken from you, you’ll get what you’ve asked for. but only if you’re watching.” so these two best friends keep walking together discussing their favorite starbucks flavor, old inside jokes, that time elijah ran faster than ahab’s chariot, the amazing things they’ve seen GOD do, and then “wham!” the gossamer veil is pushed aside to give a peek of heaven. the chariot and cavalry enter without warning, sweep up elijah, and are gone. elisha sees it all happen! he tears his clothes in mourning, picks up the cloak elijah discarded before riding off, asks GOD where He is, goes to the edge of the water, and slaps to part it just as elijah had done. and it works! GOD gave him the power of elijah. coincidence? nope. elisha? nope. the work of the Heavenly Miracle Dealer? pretty much. so why do i miss the miracles? i’m not watching. i’m too busy looking for coincidence to see the miracle of the mid-prayer phone call, the unanswered email, and the forgetful colleague.

consider it xed.

on being 29 (or older)

"It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before; and generally speaking, if there has been neither ill health nor anxiety, it is a time of life at which scarcely any charm is lost."

Persuasion, Jane Austen

bonafied miracles

yes, they do happen.

trust me.

my office mate and i lived a stunning one yesterday.

"GOD is back, looking to the needs of his people!" luke 7:16

of hems and dancing

have you ever tried to view life from the inside of your closet? in there the meaning of life has something to do with hems. i have found my closet to be a solitary place of chat with the LORD, and last night, that’s where i ended up. we didn’t discuss my need to clean the closet, organize my shoes, or fix the hem of that skirt i’ve been ignoring, although those are definitely topics we will revisit. no, last night i went in there thinking i would give the LORD a little piece of my mind, and i came out with a little peace of His. there was a point in my prayer where i felt the need to shut up--something i think the LORD would like to hear from me more often--so i curled up in the corner of my clothes cave and just got soul-silent. i found it trying to silence my thots, then once that was accomplished, i drifted off to sleep (i actually considered staying there all nite because it was so warm and cozy). not going real well at this point right? that’s what i thot. i don’t know how long i was in this state (it’s weird how all conscious time stands still), but at some point i figured GOD must have chosen to be quiet too. i broke the silence with the words: “LORD, i’ve been so careful...” and then the rain began to fall in great sloppy drops. i heard: “and that is precisely the problem erin.” wait a minute, that’s not at all what i expected! i thot careful was good. i thot careful was reverent. i thot careful was godly. (all to be said in tones of piety) “don’t be careful!” the silence said, “i’m sick of your timidity! i’ve had enough, and things are going to change starting now: i’m careful so you can be carefree. go!” and then there was a great deluge of remembering: joshua boldly blocking the sun and moon, moses demanding a fulfilled promise, peter requesting a water walk, elijah calling up a great storm, elisha demanding GOD’s presence at the whisking away of elijah, david joy-dancing for the return of lost glory, gideon confirming the wet fleece, and a thousand unnamed beggars, lepers, children, blind men, cripples, hungry, hurting, and lost. all abandoning carefulness for the reckless faith that made them whole. and throwing caution to the wind, i went. not very carefully i might add, but with utter abandon. so when i left the closet, i was afraid. no longer afraid that GOD won’t answer my prayers, but afraid that He will. this is not terror, but carefree in the hope that GOD is more likely to answer than not. (after which we might revisit dancing)

cloud watching

i am currently marching with the israelites thru their three-day-weekend-turned-forty-year-desert holiday. at every turn they are in awe of GOD’s powerful provision of bread, water and safety, and then at every other turn complaining that there’s too much bread, bitter water, and scary egyptians. i find myself thinking: “hey, can’t they see what GOD is doing? are they that stupid?” of all the wandering-trials the israelits go thru, i think boredom would get me faithless fastest. think about it: GOD is up on mt. sinai, moses is up on mt. sinai, joshua is half-way up mt. sinai, the people have spent three days getting scrubbed up for this, and there’s a barricade around the mountain so no one can even touch it. moses and GOD chat for forty days and nites with no word. from our telescopic position we can’t fathom why the israelites would throw together their egyptian-jewelry and build a cow. i mean, come on, a cow! at least they could have been more creative than that right? they inform aaron they want gods that will lead them since moses went and disappeared, and so they choose a cow. (silent shaking of head in disbelief) i love how i can be so smarmy about this from the comfortable place in my warm bedroom by the glow of a new art-deco lamp, and not even hear the herd of cows mooing over my left shoulder. i don’t seem to be getting anything out of my Bible reading (that i spent all of five minutes on), so i follow a cow-christian book instead. i try to pray, but i get so distracted that i give up and listen to my own thots about (off all things!) cows. God doesn’t seem to be answering my prayer of a week ago, and so i decide to “take the bull by the horns” as it were, and manipulate the situation to get my answer. well now it doesn’t seem so far fetched that had i been amongst the israelites, i might have even suggested the cow-idea. am i really all that different from them? doubt it. they hadn’t heard from moses or GOD in forty days. maybe they thot GOD had forgotten them. maybe they thot He had given up on them. maybe they thot He stopped caring and chose a different nation. sound familiar? when it seems like nothing is going on, i am tempted to think i’ve been forgotten, shunned, and maybe even disowned. what the israelites didn’t know was that during those forty days GOD was reavealing to moses exactly how His people could best show other nations His great love for them, and “setting apart” of them (not to mention, they never even noticed the hovering lightening cloud). what i often don’t notice is the passionate patience GOD is developing in me, the promised land faith, and the lightening cloud of peace He offers if i would but see.

more

green hope

more words...

destitute

(tonite i am)

gotcha prayers

i've been calling up some sabotage prayers as of late for several
people. so here are the rules for sabotage praying: it must be for
something life-changing, it must be specific and intent, and most
importantly, it must be kept from the person for whom it is prayed.
what makes this really fun is when you pray intently for someone you
barely know. i see it now: i spy charles on the sidewalk (name has
been changed to protect the innocent), covertly nod, seripticiously pray
my violent prayer, smile politely, and bam! he's been sabotaged! how
much fun is that? i get a secret glee from doing this sort of thing.
it's like GOD and i have a little thing going on-- an "i know something
you don't know" sort of moment. so, right now i have this one person in
mind that is receiving my death dart prayer. what's really great is
that he pretty much only knows my name. we've spoken of weather and
wind briefly, but as far as he is concerned, i do not exist. this is
where the sabotage comes in. i know a bit of delicate information about
a paticularly trying situation in his life. we all know this sort of
information about people right? information is leaked. we are briefed.
we are "in the know." well, i figure i've been given this information
for a reason, and i'm pretty sure it's not to spread it around to
everyone else i know so they can spread it around to everyone else they
know, and the cycle continues. so i'm going to do whatever i can to
sabotage this unsuspecting boy's life as much as GOD will allow. he
does not know the peril in which he lies.

end

the orange beads came off today.

i'm a little sad.

thinking about tying it back on.

end in joy

last night i was forced to grade papers. i am familiar with roughly six novels of approximately 4,000 pages in length that i would choose to read over doing the accursed thing. dusting even trumps the threat of the unspeakable (and if you’ve seen my house, you know you could start a worm farm in the dust). so, this afternoon i organized all the work, entered the grades i could, and brought the rest home to finish after church. all during church i could hear the stack in the car making nasty remarks about how i had great intentions of getting the work done, but would flake at the last moment and clean house instead. the papers have been silenced. i got home, had pancakes, ignored the dishes i made (they were uncommonly tempting tonite), sat down with a clock to my left, and began. i’ve disciplined myself to spend a certain number of minutes on each paper, otherwise i obsess over the tiniest comma or unimaginative adverb (if i have to read the word “very” ever again, i’m going to go very mad). amazingly i achieved my goal in a record amount of time with little soul pain. the real fun began as i placed the final green stroke. the “so shall the night soon end in joy” song began to giggle from the cd player. of course, i had to jump on the bed to celebrate the end of grading and the end of the night in joy! and i jumped and jumped and jumped until i couldn’t jump any more because of the soul wrenching laughter that ensued. i ended in a joy filled, giggling heap at the foot of the bed. maybe i should grade papers more often.

the dramatist and me

“but only if you’re watching”

the thin gossamer that separates the natural world and the supernatural world: elijah’s chariot-homegoing, elisha’s observance, and the commencement of water-parting power.

2 kings 2

words, words, words

i’ve begun to complile a list of essential words. here are the first few. please contribute:

agony
abandon
endeavor
ensued
thin
whirligig
unapproachable
irresistable
malice
certain
mayhem
gossamer