one semester down.
hard to believe i've been at this since august. it seems like a few weeks ago that i showed up like a first-day-preschooler with a proper book-bag and a little lunch. i was terrified. admittedly, i still am. however, i have an ounce more courage than i did four months ago. for what it's worth, much has been shoved into my tiny little brain, and the results are as yet unknown. so, in the spirit of my tiny little brain (is there a spirit in my tiny little brain?), here is a grocery list of the damage:
1. i have never been very disciplined. this is changing--not in the traditional sense. the less i have to choose from, the more room my brain has to create. so, i keep my clothing options narrow, my grocery budget low (so i have only what's on sale to choose from), and my daily activities simplified. this is an experiment. it may be faulty. but i have the luxury of such simplicities right now.
2. revision. revision. revision. it never ends. and when you think you've revised enough and you go to deliver the paper (that you hope christmas-story-like will receive the A+++++!), you discover you used an "an" instead of an "a" and you rue the moment you stopped revising. the illusive perfection girl-slaps you in the face.
3. don't be fooled. it isn't as cool as it sounds. trust me. a phd in aesthetics is just putting one word on the page at a time. have you ever travelled out of the country to an exotic or remote locale, and expected to feel totally different when you get there? and you don't? and there are still people there, and they remind you of the people in the not exotic/remote locale? that's what it's like. there are still people there. and most of them are pretty average. i am not alone.
4. don't be fooled again. you can be lonely anywhere, and you can be content anywhere. don't believe the lie. it's not about circumstances. it's about faith. faith overcomes a multitude of circumstances. i am pummeled with the verse: "this is the victory that overcomes the world: even our faith." stunning. everyday has been overcome already. faith in Christ instills courage. the only kind.
5. i feel refracted. direction changed. check. altered. check. the light is hitting me in all new ways altering my vision. i feel pulled in by the depth that leaps off the canvas. i am incapable of escape.
6. don't buy the pike place. buy the bold pick of the day. pike place sucks--it tastes like brewed bug backs (there is extensive research to back this up). one needs a strong brew that burns all the way down when one is spending so many hours reading. bold brew makes for efficient thinking. pike place just makes you jittery without all the fun. resist pike place. it is the dark side.
7. never stop. work everyday. find a routine and stick with it. find a space and claim it. some days creativity will occur. other days will be a failure--or they will be perceived as a failure--they are really preparations for success. wait. wait for the ideas--they will eventually come. but you will have to work very hard with little success before they come. and when they come, you'll wonder why you didn't think of that before. never stop working.
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