breadcrumbs

something really big just happened in my brain:

“what things you desire (crave), when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them.”

ok, this is really tough for me. i worry that my desires are not of GOD: that i will ask amiss. ok, so....psalms 37:4:

“delight thyself in the LORD, and he shall give you the desires of your heart.”

right, we all know this verse....so, if i delight in the LORD, He will fulfill *my* desires. He will give me what i want? right? WRONG! if i delight in the LORD, *He* will fill me with the right desires. then He will prompt me to pray for them. ok, the next verse ties it all up so beautifully:

“commit thy way unto the LORD, trust also in Him, and He will bring it to pass.”

WOO HOO! He will bring it to pass. He will answer my prayers. He will give me what *He* wants. He will give me my desires because they are of Him. i *cannot* ask amiss.

i am not afraid anymore.

nor am i safe anymore.

that is a delight!

(read erin jumping up and down in her soul gathering the breadcrumbs off the floor!)

my purple bicycle

i remember when i was maybe 12 (mom, correct me if i'm wrong) i wanted a bicycle for my birthday. now, i was afraid of everything, and riding a bike did not come to me as early and easily as it comes to most, so i was old enough to really want a bicycle. i remember when i found the one i wanted: it was white with purple handles, purple sticker things on the bars, a purple seat, and a great zipper bag on the front (to hold your lip gloss and transformers of course!). the whole thing had a geometric motif--very 80's of me. this was the bike i wanted! so, like any good girl, this was the bike i asked for. i have to admit, i really didn't believe i'd get that bike. we're talking no hope here--i *knew* i wasn't getting it. it was kind of pricey, and a bit frivolous for our family at the time. i'll never forget the moment my father rolled *that* bike around the side of the house. never. i don't think i've ever been given any gift that moved me like this one. i remember the hot tears in my eyes being held back only by the shame i felt for crying over a bicycle. the tears weren't really about the bicycle, but about the act of the gift. my parents were elated at givng me *exactly* what i asked for, and elated at seeing my response. the bicycle is long gone, but a picture of me still remains taken a few moments after the gift was revealed. if you look close enough, you can see the lingering tears. you can also see the look of shy joy mingled with the tears. it's still one of my favorite childhood photographs.

ok, you're thinking: "great story erin!" the LORD brought this incident to my mind a few days ago for very specific reason: i have a real problem with asking the LORD for things. we're talking anything here: needs, wants and wishes. but like a good Dad, He's not letting this one go. i am afraid to ask because i am afraid to get my hopes up. then maybe the LORD won't answer, and then i'll just be disappointed. i've trained myself with the LORD, like i have with my friends not to have any expectations. "people will just disappoint you right? and so, i guess, will the LORD." i don't think i'd realized how destructive this attitude has become! i've let the few "bad" experiences i've had with people who call themselves "friends" (none of you included--trust me!) ruin my perception of my Heavenly Father to the point where i'm afraid to ask for anything that seems remotely frivolous. i only pray: "LORD, whatever you want!" one night at church danny brooks said, "we get nothing great from GOD because we ask for nothing great." well, i'm asking for some great things! things i'm almost ashamed to say i want. i've never stepped out in faith like this before, and i know this is only the beginning. it's almost scarry to think what the LORD will do. the answers probably won't be what i expect, but will be exactly what i need.

so, back to the bicycle:
i'm asking for my FAITH to be increased.
i'm asking for *a* bicycle.
i'm asking for *that* purple bicycle.

and i am begging.

i believe there will be much to come.

doubting thomas

desires are cravings

thinking in process.

i've been working through something the past couple of days in my head. the kind of thing that sends me into spirals of darkness and unrest at the shortest of notice. this is not uncommon for me, so no alarm please. my mother tells me i think in spirals and webs. she even claims i do this funny thing with my eyes and mouth (this is how she proports to know this information). i think she's right. there are not many moments where i'm not connecting *this* particular moment and its events to some moment from my irretrievable past (the mere thought that the past is irretrievable gives my life a sense of traditional tragedy in some weird academic way--ahh! i'm doing it again: connecting everything! i lectured on tragic irretrievability today). note: i think most people do this in some form or another.

so this thing i've been working through in my head (i keep accidently typing "heart" instead of "head"--hmmmm...) comes upon me at 5:00 in the morning when i'm trying to sleep. hence the intake of breath and groan as i awaken to see my moon and star nightlight mocking me to get up. but here is the truly providential thing that happened in one of my classes yesterday:

my students are teaching lessons, and i had a girl yesterday teach a ladies Bible study lesson (the only women's ministries major in a sea of elementary education majors). she passed out these little slips of paper that said: "i __ because i don't believe GOD ___." we had to fill in the blanks with something we struggle with. so i put: "i FEAR because i don't believe GOD is big enough to have a plan for my life (let alone consult me, tell me, or warn me in advance when it's coming)." ok, WOW! she made me put into words the little fox thoughts that are spoiling my vine.

this little thing really got me. i know it seems obvious to the rest of you, but writing it down was powerful let me tell you. not to say that i didn't wake up this morning to the cheshire grin of the moon and star on the night light (which i will not be angry at by the way) with a sharp intake of breath at the mere thought of what's ahead....

but i am still working on this in my head.

state of the erin

i've moved.
vespers is over.
i don't have wireless anymore.
(hence, my blog will be neglected more often)
my house is a mess.
i am living in a "storybook" (as one dear called it).
i need a broom (to sweep with, not to fly on--i know what you were thinking!).

i am so terribly content.
much praise.

there is nothing worth more than this day
gothe

for those who care

vespers went loverly this evening: i can wipe the rivulets of sweat off my brow.

as soon as the program was over, i turned around to dr. lawson (the dean of fine arts) and whooped my "woo hoo!"

he just laughed.

underhill...

upon the hearth the fire is red,
beneath the roof there is a bed,
but not yet weary are our feet,
still round the corner we may meet:
a sudden tree or standing stone
that none have seen but we alone.

still round the corner there may wait
a new road or a secret gate
and though we pass them by today
tomorrow we may come this way
and take the hidden paths that run
towards the moon or to the sun.

home is behind, the world ahead
and there are many paths to tread
through shadows to the edge of night
until the stars are all alight.
then world behind and home ahead
we'll wander back to home and bed.

tolkien

the move is on...

wicked little labels

one of my students told me the other day that i am cool. i thot i'd already made it abundantly clear that i am not cool. i told him to trust me on this one: had he seen me willy-nilly kicking in bathroom stalls in a skirt prentending to be in the FBI with my two handed gun screaching "i caught you with your pants down" the other evening, he would have believed me. or had he known that i spelled "star trek"--"star treck"--he *really* would have known. these are not the activities of "the cool."

but quite liberating they are.

yes.

infinite small

despair is a very small place.
as is hope.

mantra

the LORD is nigh unto all them that call upon Him,
to all that call upon Him in truth.

He will fulfill the desires of them that fear Him:
He also will hear their cry, and will save them.

psalm 145:18-19

oracle of delphi

be wary of fresh faced admirerers.
green rain shoes make your feet hurt.
rain in greenville is fat.
the band is loud--very loud.
chicken salad is much better with bacon.
everything is much better with bacon.
just cuz you tell them *not* to put cheese on it, means they will.
running out of minutes before the month is up makes things difficult.
*always* have the serial number on hand or you will get no help.
some fridays feel like wednesdays.
unlikely narnians do exist.
when you kick a door open, don't wear a skirt.

wake

chicken broccoli casserole
cheese
brownies and pound cake
chocolate peanut butter energy bars

salt...

is this what grief tastes like?

flight 3537

you meet many interesting souls when you talk to people as you travel. i hate to admit i usually just get on the plane and mind my own business. this time i decided to go about this a little differently: i decided to participate....

as i neared my seat on the flight to dallas, i noticed the young man who would be next to me. he looked interesting, and i had an intense desire to chat with him even before i sat down. he was soft spoken and intelligent: you can see that in someone’s eyes if you look close enough. graciously he was extroverted enough to engage me in conversation first. (my introverted self is in a constant battle with my extroverted self to figure out how to begin a conversation. some people i know are good at it: they just begin. i cannot “just begin." that probably seems unnecessarily complicated to you e’s.) he is a student at oxford getting a degree in politics. we talked about education, lighting, morroco, sushi and “our town.” his parents are from nigeria, and he’s trying to figure out what to do with his life after oxford. he says it’s just a stepping stone to bigger things. i made him laugh. i think that suprised him.

in dallas on my way back my flight was delayed, and i had to sit in the airport for 4 hours. janice had been there as long as i, and she wanted to tell me about the house she and her son built in dallas. yes, there were even pictures. she was in a wheelchair, and needed a little assistance with her stuff, a trip to the bathroom, and a venti caramel macchiato. we laughed and raced up and down the terminal.

you know it’s funny--the LORD created such varried souls. each is needy in a different way. my oxford cowboy seemed anything but needy: his legs worked, he was young, strong of body and of mind, and yet there was a struggle in his soul to figure out if he should go to class, where he fit in his family, his culture, the universe. janice was clearly needy: she was forced to rely on her metal and vinyl home, she was cold with no way to get herself a blanket or cup of coffee, she just wanted to get home where it was easier for her to get about. the beauty is that GOD desiged each detail of their walk. nothing went unchecked, unplanned, or unaided. i hope i helped them take the next step.....with joy.