i've been working through something the past couple of days in my head. the kind of thing that sends me into spirals of darkness and unrest at the shortest of notice. this is not uncommon for me, so no alarm please. my mother tells me i think in spirals and webs. she even claims i do this funny thing with my eyes and mouth (this is how she proports to know this information). i think she's right. there are not many moments where i'm not connecting *this* particular moment and its events to some moment from my irretrievable past (the mere thought that the past is irretrievable gives my life a sense of traditional tragedy in some weird academic way--ahh! i'm doing it again: connecting everything! i lectured on tragic irretrievability today). note: i think most people do this in some form or another.
so this thing i've been working through in my head (i keep accidently typing "heart" instead of "head"--hmmmm...) comes upon me at 5:00 in the morning when i'm trying to sleep. hence the intake of breath and groan as i awaken to see my moon and star nightlight mocking me to get up. but here is the truly providential thing that happened in one of my classes yesterday:
my students are teaching lessons, and i had a girl yesterday teach a ladies Bible study lesson (the only women's ministries major in a sea of elementary education majors). she passed out these little slips of paper that said: "i __ because i don't believe GOD ___." we had to fill in the blanks with something we struggle with. so i put: "i FEAR because i don't believe GOD is big enough to have a plan for my life (let alone consult me, tell me, or warn me in advance when it's coming)." ok, WOW! she made me put into words the little fox thoughts that are spoiling my vine.
this little thing really got me. i know it seems obvious to the rest of you, but writing it down was powerful let me tell you. not to say that i didn't wake up this morning to the cheshire grin of the moon and star on the night light (which i will not be angry at by the way) with a sharp intake of breath at the mere thought of what's ahead....
but i am still working on this in my head.
7 comments:
this little thing that causes you to wake when the moon and stars are playing tag in the sky, i wonder if i know.... sometimes you can't explain things and they have no connection. too much web thinking and you'll get caught in your web. take a breath. hold on. what's coming could be scary but VERY FUN :)
i just finished a horse and his boy. perhaps aslan's preparing to tell you your story and only yours and how he's guided, protected, terrified and carried you along all these 30 years. how exciting...
i don't know dear friends. i am too "in my head," and have such little faith. the LORD is working on that one. this too needs to be broken....
i tend to over-think everything. thankfully, "God is God and I am not and i can only see a part of the picture he is painting" for my life.
i'll post the rest of the song on aslan's child b/c it takes too much space here. let him mold whatever it is that is rumbling about in your mind into something beautiful. just be ready to fall. (this is all more for me than for you...)
it's not submission to HIM.
it's abandonment in HIM.
it never makes sense in our minds to abandon ourselves to the unknown or even to God, that's why God states that you have to believe in your heart.
have i told you two lately how dear you are? well, you are. elea- abandonment equals no walls to hide behind- let them come down- i pray that for you daily.
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