last week i stepped out of my front door (well, actually it was my garage), got in the drivers seat of my car, and followed a blue and orange rental truck for 18 hours on its way to dallas, texas. all the way here i wondered why i would leave friends, a barn-get away, familiarity, and a steady income to enter into this unknown. besides the obvious (going to school--again), there is a good answer: because if i didn't, it would be wrong. i've not felt so sure that something was so right for so long with so many reasons to say no. i'm not very adventurous, i'm terrified of meeting new people, i'm afraid of everything, i don't generally live on the edge financially (when i reach 5,000 in my checking account, i'm broke), and i frankly wasn't interested in going to school again.
for the last few years i became discontent with my career (yes, i have a career--weird). i was ready to quit and get a job at starbucks. i wanted to do something--anything--different. a year ago i went to peru, and survived 10 days in or near the amazon rain forest. i took a backpack. i took very few showers (and when i did get one it was cold). i slept on the front porch of a school perched out over the amazon river right by the "bucket" (feel free to ask me about the night all the used toilet paper ended up in my bed). i was hungry, tired, dirty. it was the happiest i'd been in years. nothing i needed mattered anymore. i went to sleep one cold night on the front of a dirty boat, and woke up to the sun rising over the amazon river and pink dolphins arching out of the water. everything i needed i had in that moment. and it was enough.
so i decided it was time to suck it up. i would like my job--no matter what. i would do the very best i could--no matter what. i would work hard--no matter what. i would put aside my fears and complaints (against everyone and especially GOD) and excuses and i would suck it up. if i could live out of a backpack on the amazon and like it, why couldn't i do my job and like it? if GOD could call me to peru for 10 days and give me courage and joy, why couldn't he call me to teach and give me courage and joy? it made perfect sense.
i started liking my job. it didn't happen overnight. it happened though, and i didn't realize it. i was too busy working. so i applied to school in a field i never imagined possible for me, to a program that was clearly beyond my reach. i didn't believe it would happen, and neither did anyone else (thankfully, they didn't tell me that until later), but i was content with that because i liked my job.
so here i am back in peru. i have my backpack (it's got a little more in it this time around), and i might wake up in the morning with toilet paper in my bed. but this is where i am today, and it's where i'm going to continue to suck it up and enjoy the journey. because who knows, maybe tomorrow the sun will rise and there will be purple dolphins. and that will be enough. and it will be all i need. and i will be thankful for the simple gift of this opportunity.
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